Monday, 21 July 2008

The Celebrity Photography Awards


The Celebrity Photography Awards

Join us for the night when the world of celebrity photographers honour their own and the people and publications who keep them employed.

Due to the frequent invasion of privacy into celebrities’ private lives by the paparazzi, all photographers attending the event will be bound to a strict code of conduct. Named in honour of the first newspaper proprietor to pay a celebrity photographer a million pounds, the 'Desmond Principles' are:




The event will raise funds for Charity Causes, an international organisation working on Sloane Street to prevent the exploitation of desperate D-listers and the wastage of photographers time with pathetic celebrity endorsements.

The venue is a top London hotel. As usual, several locations will simultaneously be disseminated on the rumour mill but driving around until you see Richard Young's Porsche should show you the right place. Chefs from The Ivy and San Lorenzo have prepared the menu in gratitude for all the free publicity they have been given over the years.

Guests confirmed at this time include Prince William and Tom Cruise. At least, last time we checked, they didn't say there were not coming.

In recognition of the solidarity with celebrity photographers shown by the TV news media, a special area has been set up across the street for you to film arrivals. TV crews are reminded that space is limited and tripods will not be permitted and please be in position three hours before the event begins. We’re sorry about those dripping gutters, the bus exhaust and the crowd of gawpers in the way. Any usable images obtained will qualify for a prize next year.

Parking will be available on the kerb outside in sight of the doors. Please leave your keys with our doormen who have been provided by The Ivy. They will box in your car until Michael Winner leaves.

To add to the razzmatazz, autograph hunters and anyone with camera phone will form a pack to shout "overear" and "jusswunmore" so that TV can get B-roll of the real media at work.

Access to all prize winners and presenters for print journalists will be auctioned by Max Clifford before anyone is brought to the press room. Please do not ask questions until the last five seconds of the photo session.

The award categories are:

Best exit shot.

Best car snatch: limo or police van.

Best shopping shot: candid or posed (but pretending not to).

Best shot of self reverential irony like a celebrity in front of a wall of photographers.

Best pre-fame photo collected from a relative or former lover.

Best video grab from Big Brother TV series.

The year's best photo of a driver, bodyguard, makeup artist or nanny sold to the newspapers as the new partner of a celebrity.

The Robbie Williams Award: given to the celebrity who claims most often in one year the media is ruining their life.

The Here'sey Award: Given to the year's newest face who complains about the media within the shortest time.

The Jordan Award: given to a celebrity who has outlasted their 15 minutes the longest.

Daniella Westbrook Award for the year's most reused photograph.

The [sponsors' name] award for the [sponsors' name] year's most distracting [sponsors' name] logo on an [sponsors' name] awards platform.

The Frauds PR award for the year's most imaginative guest list.

Note to editors:

The award statuette 'Pappy' depicts a forlorn figure holding a camera behind velvet ropes. The evening's highest award, the 'Grand Pappy' stands smiling on a red carpet next to his Porsche. The flashbulb on Pappy's camera will fire when it detects another flash or the proximity of a person. It is programmed to turn off if it detects a body wearing black but if handled roughly or it senses a swiftly moving object, the flash will fire incessantly until the batteries are exhausted, which is sooner than the manufacturer promises.

For media accreditation, please fax back our 36 page form to our premium rate number. For last minute accreditation, write your name on a strip of duct tape and place it outside the Odeon Leicester Square.

For more information contact Luke Forrester at Dewey, Cheatham & Howe Public Relations.

(In case you were wondering, this IS a hoax but for how long?)

Copyright 2001 Nat Bocking

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